yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
