Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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