she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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