My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
