member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
