"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
