my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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