gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
