11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Randomize
