Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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