just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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