Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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