I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
