I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
