I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
