I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
