I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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