Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
