Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
