I CAN MOONWALK!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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