So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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