my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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