You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
