Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
