somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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