I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize