The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
