just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
