Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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