I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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