TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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