Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
