So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
