There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
