what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
