I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize