Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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