I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
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