Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize