I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
3 2 1 whiskey
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
