i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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