It was confusing and full of hummus
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
