Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
