I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
