how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Never joke about your clitoris.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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