Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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