My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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