I think i peed on brittanys purse
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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