When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
