New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
