He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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