My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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