I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
