Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
