I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
