That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
