my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
