He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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