He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
