The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
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