:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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