Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
