I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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