you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Randomize
