I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize