they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
