You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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