I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
