And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize