I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I'm both gender and math confused
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
