I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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