The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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