So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
