She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
