I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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