It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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