Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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